Writing a story or content lately? Are you asking yourself, “Is there a way I could better this?”
If this is you, you’ve come to the right place.
Picture the Titanic, sailing gracefully along the North Atlantic Sea until it hits an iceberg.
An iceberg doesn’t look that huge on the surface, however, under the surface, the mass can be five, ten, or even fifteen times larger than its surface view.
How is this relevant to creating depth and immersion in writing?
What if you could use fewer words, balancing details and facts, removing obvious giveaways that kill the suspense, mystery, and more of the readers’ experience?
Try using fewer words and balancing out details and facts.
The following exercise aims to create depth and immersion into the polished version.
The Titanic’s example above can be seen as a lesson in depth, while the example below can be seen as a lesson on immersion.
1. Characters
The aim
Provide the reader a greater view of what they are visualising, forming an experience of their own without the writer giving too much away via too many details or words
Unpolished version
She needed the money and looked at the man despairingly as if all her hopes were tied to him buying all her old jewellery.
The word despairingly tells the reader how to feel. It gives the character’s feelings away and explains – as if all her hopes were tied to him buying all her old jewellery. This makes the reader see why they need to feel despair.
It doesn’t allow the reader to feel despair without being told how they should feel.
Polished version
She looked weak, her hands trembling yet hesitant as she handed the old jewellery to the man in the pawn store. In the cluster of jewellery, lay a bracelet that reminded her of her mother. Looking exhausted, her clothes torn and tattered, she stood there patiently. Her face slowly relaxed as the man in the pawn store began separating and analysing the cluster of jewellery.
Tips for immersion and depth
- Try the iceberg analogy above.
- Use vivid details to bring depth and immersion rather than exact details.
Let’s practice with a few more examples below.
Example 1
A scene the character sees in front of them while on holiday.
The aim
We will be describing the feelings of the character, but we want to tell the audience there’s more to this person through the vision we’re describing.
Unpolished Version
Sonia looks at the crashing waves. Hopefully, this break will be relaxing after all the chaos. The crowd screams, and this catches her attention. Surprised at what she sees in front of her. It’s the famous student she taught many years ago. The student whose face is all over the news.
Polished Version
Sonia glares at the colliding waves. Will this much-needed break calm her mind? Returning to the present with the sound of a screaming crowd. “No way! It can’t be,” her inner voice utters. It’s that famous student she once taught, the one whose face is splashed across the papers.
The aim
Demonstrate the personality of the character and their growth, where they were when they dreamt it, and where they are now.
Unpolished Version
I have forgotten the scent of wildflowers when I used to play in the fields as a child. A long time has passed, and I’ve forgotten about those days. Walking elegantly in my new reality, almost dream-like, I can smell a scent that holds a mystery with strange familiarity. Through my new reality, I shut out the noise and remember the day I asked God for a wish. He answered, “Dream big”.
Polished Version
It’s the scent of something I remember from childhood. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Only now it’s matured with time. Am I in a dream surrounded by a natural, rich fragrance? Do I need to open my eyes, or are they already open? Through all this noise, I look within and remember that day, the day God said, “Dream big”.
2. Location
Tips for immersion and depth
- Use 2 or 3 vivid details.
- By all means use details but be selective of how to use them.
- Create a strong image in the reader’s mind rather than sprinkling it with too many details to create the same impact.
Example 1
Scenario
Imagine a story where the character is standing in a dark room.
The aim
To make the reader feel there is more going on. Not too many facts and details. Get the reader to make up their own imagination of where they are and what the premise of the story could be.
Unpolished Version
The room was dark, cold and dense. From this angle, the moonlight lit the hallway. It sounds as though a curtain flapped against the wind. It feels as though a window is open. I took a step forward, the fear sent chills down my spine… and then a bang! Something fell behind me. I turned to look where the sound came from. It felt as if something not human was in the dark corner of the room. It made me feel some type of way.
Polished Version
The dark room sent chills down my spine lifting the hairs on my arms. The shimmering moonlight danced in the hallway as the curtain flapped against the open window. Taking a hesitant step forward I heard a bang behind me, and with a quick turn my eyes followed the sound into the dense corner. With a contrast of fear and courage, I knew I wasn’t alone.
Example 2
Scenario
Writing about a meeting in an office environment and the discussion Directors are having on the company’s progress. An optimistic outlook.
Aim
Place focus on location.
Unpolished version
The meeting room seemed livelier than usual. Something about this one feels different. It’s the energy in the room. You can see a glimpse of the directors’ smiles on their faces. Even the banner that lived in the corner for years and the lonely podium across it seemed like they’d exchanged seasons’ greetings.
Polished version
The room felt like a feather with the smiley faces of the directors. The furniture facing each other in the corner no longer seemed part of the walls. Season’s greetings are in order.
Example
Scenario
Writing from a real-life Q&A into a story. A Q&A around impacting a person’s life.
Aim
To take the Q&A and make a short story.
Unpolished version
Q & A
Question 1: How did you benefit from this opportunity?
Answer 1: This opportunity has helped me to learn more about my studies.
Question 2: What did you learn from your workplace experience?
Answer 2: The workplace experience has taught me a lot about myself and where I‘d like to go next.
Question 3: Where do you see yourself after you complete your workplace experience?
Answer 3: I am grateful for the opportunity that the company has given me to study further, and I’d like to be in a position to help others in the future.
Polished version
Lewis became a resourceful talented individual. This opportunity shaped his strengths and weaknesses. He converted his theoretical knowledge into practical real-life experiences. This career path eroded old belief systems paving the way for new hopes and dreams. Explaining that the journey was nothing short of challenges, Lewis is proud of how far he has come. With deep gratitude instilled into him by the kindness and generosity of others, he has a strong conviction to pay it forward to someone else in the future.
Additional resources
Adding imagery and magic to writing
Weird writing techniques
How to write the unwriteable
Looking forward to our next discussion, in the meantime take a look at my entertaining and educational video on my YouTube Channel for developing authentic voices across characters.
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Yours sincerely,
T. Dench Patel
