I’d want to start with what I took from Iyanla Vanzant: People violate your boundaries because you don’t tell them how to behave in your life and they run a mock in your life because they don’t have clear boundaries.
Here’s another one, in case you’ve missed this article https://tdenchpatel.com/sayings-advice-or-certain-things-said-by-people-that-changed-the-dynamics-for-me/
It’s not selfish to put yourself first. It’s self-full, to be as good as possible to yourself, i.e. be healthy, keep you whole, and that doesn’t mean you disregard everyone else. You want to come with your cup full; my cup runneth over. What comes out of the cup is for you’ll and what’s in the cup is mine.
When you see crazy coming, cross the street.
You might already know what boundaries you need in your life and maybe you’re one who doesn’t know what limitations you need to set so that you can live happier and comfortably. To begin, you need time to reflect. Ask yourself what sits well with you and what made you upset when it came to various situations at various moments in your life with multiple people. What didn’t make you feel great is a big sign and don’t self-sabotage yourself. You will know better, especially when that feeling came up with that same person several times. That is a sure way to know that you’re not comfortable with something.
Now if you’re a people pleaser, you’re going to go through all sorts of feelings, i.e. fear, guilt, self-doubt and even self-sabotage. You might even go from fight to flight mode. First things first always start small. It takes courage and practise to obtain this skill, and you will also need support. Starting small will build your power of assertiveness.
I, just like you used to think, “Really, why should I tell people how to behave shouldn’t they already have learnt this by now?” The truth is after observing for decades, I’ve noticed the people who thrive in life are strong and courageous individuals. They are individuals who have strong bonds with people too. So they must be doing something right if they have strong relationships with the right people. They have spoken up about what they tolerate and what they don’t tolerate. It’s as simple as this; often you have to tell people how to behave. It’s a pity, but it’s true. Those that don’t like it are the ones who can’t control you, and they will respond rudely whether by action or by words.
Understand that when you put boundaries in place the people who care about you will not love you any less, it’s those that don’t care about you that will have a problem with it.
If you have to be direct, then think of it this way. I got this from Iyanla Vanzant: Change confrontation to carefrontation, i.e. I care enough about my needs to let you know what is and what isn’t acceptable otherwise you teach yourself that your needs are not important.
Personally, my communication with British white people is less confrontational but within my culture, i.e. people even in Britain and in the United States of America people can be very much in your face (I’m Hindu by the way). Both ways did not work well, while one culture just keeps a distance and are cautious who they let in their lives and the other one is on the other end of the spectrum, i.e. extreme.
Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do. Quote by Rachel Wolchin
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. Quote by Brene Brown
Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices. Quote by Gerard Manley Hopkins
Setting boundaries helps you from burning out
Everyone has something to do, and the last thing you need when trying to accomplish what you have set aside for your day is anger, resentment and burnout. Work is a perfect example where boundaries are often crossed because of hierarchy, but when you come home, and your boundaries are crossed, this will affect your emotional, mental and physical behaviour.
You need to have your cup full when it comes to your happiness and wellbeing. Burning yourself out so that others can achieve what they want at the cost of you will burn you out. Create a schedule and follow it religiously making room for some spontaneous things like family, i.e. your child is ill today and can’t go to school or the car broke down, or you need to go and sort out the bills because there’s been an error. Those things happen, but to set clear boundaries, everyone should know what their duty is and where the line is and be realistic.
By being overinvolved, you can get emotionally drained, and you may end up feeling responsible for everyone and by having too many boundaries, you’d end up feeling lonely.
Take a look at this article which lists out the benefits of setting boundaries
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/setting-boundaries-benefits_n_57043126e4b0b90ac27088bb
I found this article particularly good. Have a look at this link https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/healthy-boundaries.htm
I found this article very useful.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/keeping-good-boundaries-getting-your-needs-met/
T. Dench Patel
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