Hey friends,
☹ Damn, last article for the week. Where did our time go?
Since we have very little time together for this last article of the week let’s head right in.
When I look at children who have grown up with a strong foundation, one where their parents have really managed to get it working for them and their family even when the times have changed over the years, meaning, crises came and went, challenges came and went…
I’ve noticed one thing, I’ve noticed that not only have the parents remained present with each other, but they have remained present in the lives of their children from moment to moment trying to make every moment a chance to get to understand their child better and how they can be better parents.
The fundamental element is being present, spending time, it’s true and the same for when the role is reversed, when parents get older, children forget that time is running short, and paying the bills, or just doing one task and then saying my duty is done doesn’t mean anything, if anything it means one doesn’t yet understand and still hasn’t taken on the responsibility of a man or a woman. If anything it means that one still doesn’t understand what it means to be a man or a woman.
Being present means what?
Being present is a combination of several attributes such as not looking at your position as a provider or “as my duty” more so a role model, a figure that children find stability in as an “always there for me” figure with no judgement just help as they grow to become the adults they’re meant to be. It’s like the tree outside that has always been there for us to climb on, to build a swing on, make a treehouse with, give us shade and fruit when we feel we want one, sometimes the fruit is not always there, sometimes we don’t feel for it, but we can count on it for the rest of the things as and when we require it. It’s practically always there and remains as a memory of our childhood if we choose to make it part of that.
Similarly, when we grow up being present with our friendships, being present with those whom we know that love us unconditionally, not as our duty but as a woman or a man to hold it together when others can’t.
But, what does it take to not only be the provider and to be the person watching over children’s growth?
It takes continuous and small moments of being present and ensuring the environment is healthy for growth which means as much as one would need to pay their school fees, pay for their clothes, their necessities; material wealth to help with their growth it requires just as much being present because children appreciate the time one spends with them, they connect better that way, they keep those golden moments in their memory, because they are not aware of the real world and how money is involved in it to the extent that we adults are aware of.
To reach this stage within oneself and in your romantic relationship gives everything else a greater meaning, I believe from love it just kind of amplifies and pours over unconditionally. As we know, chasing a job, chasing a salary increase, chasing the next best thing while someone is with their significant other is what happens to most people who have lost something (maybe a sense of self, their why or require compass tuning), that is, in the pursuit of something that we believe will solve a problem, or believe will make us happier through our truth not necessarily someone else’s can cost a person their family (yes including their children). Why? The lack of presence, the lack of showing love, support, connection, assistance, communication, basically being present, i.e., to be. So, I get it, why the present is a present and why yesterday and tomorrow are not ever as tastier as the present spontaneous moment that one has in their hands to change something for themselves or someone else for the rest of their lives. The present is what we really can take in our hands and turn it, most of the time and what we do today creates our future. T. Dench Patel, 16:48, 29 April 2021
So to say, paying the bills doesn’t make anyone anything, money can come just as quick and leave just as quick and to be fair we got it wrong. When I was a teenage girl, and when boys look at their fathers (I come from a patriarchal society) they see this greatness of earning money, getting a job, getting a car and all these stepping stones with excitement while the girls see this as a dream, see this as a privilege (for me I speak, to wanted to work, travel, do the unimaginable, this was in my time), and as time went on from the 70s we have seen that both “women” and “men” can pay bills, anyone can give money, anyone can do that, I’ve paid my dues most of the time and still continue doing that (some days less, some days more but I try and remain consistent), only these day I have learnt that time is a more valuable payment than money, time… because one won’t get that back. Time is such a thing that if one has really used it negatively, it eats one up along the way through conscience, regret, hate, fear, resentment and these feelings circle around pouring over in other areas of one’s life making one lose more time.
By being present and true, doing your duty to the best you can, using both material wealth and presence and trying to keep them harmonious and consistent could very much (speaking from witnessing this over years), could save you so much heartache, negativity, loss, regret, resentment, fear, hate etc in the major areas of life that one often wishes they could bring back, bring back those moments…
It took my loss too when I was out in the world alone, it took me being at the receiving end of other people’s loss and self-destruction too, that when it flies….and when it flies anyone can get hit especially those standing closer to it. – T. Dench Patel, 29 April 2021 17:33
You see the thing about being present and consistent is in its very nature grounding and a rooted stance to life which is very hard to do (they don’t make parents like the way they once did), and this can be seen truly in the case of marriages or relationships where kids are involved. It requires a different outlook and more committed actions that are continuous and present (a variety of actions) to be able to keep one’s dedication to being a woman or a man in that role. That is why we see things falling apart in a marriage when one loses their job or earns way less than the wife/husband or partner, and then weighing that with being present, and how money limits the experience of being present with the children and monetary responsibilities. The continuity and stability of running the foundation of a home, with rooting emotions and having emotional intelligence, amongst many other factors so that a person knows why they are doing it, and that this life is part of their goal is what makes a man and a woman because flaky is destructive, irresponsible, and temporary.
Yours sincerely,
T. Dench Patel
Thank you for the comments and support. Thank you for offering to donate if there was a donate button on here. I prefer not to take donations. You can support by purchasing my books (Paperback or Kindle), The South African: True Colours, The South African: Roamer or my children’s book Light. These books can be found on Amazon mainly and other sites in your country.
The audiobook for The South African: True Colours is available on iTunes, Apple and Audible. The South African: Roamer and Light will be released soon.
Note: Do keep referring back to this site as much as possible, as I grow, a more profound perspective may form and so I will always come back to each of these articles to re-evaluate them.
