Hello friends,
hope you are well.
Are you with a partner or are you with a project?
I haven’t ever touched this subject intensely in none of my articles so far. Keep reading on and see for yourself how deep it’s going to get that you (even me admittingly) didn’t even know how much further in we should have really looked before choosing the project (if this was your past) or if you’re pretty happy in your current relationship then read on, this could reinforce the better which is yet to come.
Today, I did my rounds even with our dog, I gave everyone in the family some hot water with some freshly squeezed garden lemon juice which my sister made on Sunday. It’s very cold in South Africa right now. I found a way to tell the very cold days from the usual days of a South African winter. You want to know my secret? Hmm, I don’t know, you’ll have to pay me for that.
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(Hahaha) alright, I’ll let you off. Okay, so when I see the heat from the morning brewed cha dancing roughly ten centimetres out of the cup until it camouflages into the cold air (you know like the adverts) then I know it’s a cold morning and usually, it’s sunny. This means that later on, it’s going to be warmer, say from ten-thirty in the morning onwards or if there’s no sun or sun but it’s windy it will be a cold day. If the morning cha heat begins straight away with a private affair tangoing its way to the magnificent air then it’s going to be a spring day of course enhanced by the beautiful sun, if there’s no sun, then it will be an average day. The thing about the weather in many parts of South Africa (excluding Cape Town) is that there aren’t usually four seasons in a day.
Talking about dancing, let’s dance into this topic your partner not a project. See, that analogy, up there. The heat has its space and the air has its space, but when they come together, they just surrender to each other. The heat can be seen sometimes by us, the air knows she’s there he sees her and can feel her warmth, she knows he’s there too, but it takes the right timing and moment until she leans into him, he into her and they become one. Have you noticed heat leaving something, and when it reaches the air almost like a song, dance, it starts thin, takes momentum, becomes strong (almost like a full expression of itself) and then, it ends thin and before you know it, it’s gone/disappeared? Imagine if the air became this gushing wind that stole heat away? Notice the cup, the heat, she goes crazy, left, right, centre and God knows what happens to her when she disappears with all the craziness of the air, luckily you’re not heat… at least when you see crazy coming… you can cross the street, don’t invite it in, don’t invite it to dinner. If crazy is very well disguised and you don’t know it’s crazy after you invite it in, disinvite it quickly, give it a chance to be gone. – Iyanla Vanzant. Cross the street gal/guy!
See the thing is that some of us have been in so many wrongs to finally get to the rights. Mine as you already know (those who have been following me) and for those who are new here (by the way welcome), mine was all the things that were mine to own in the relationship I left behind six and a half years ago. I was with a partner whom I thought I knew but didn’t and I didn’t even know the true meaning and actions of what a narcist is until leaving the four-year relationship to understand it but it also took longer to admit that the relationship was far more severe than I thought. (I think a woman saved me in terms of taking the first step. Can you imagine? What if I told you that someone could be saved with a pamphlet being handed to them by a random person on the street?)
No one can make you feel full, complete, that is totally your job. This article states this, which I completely agree with now that I can look back on the past. When you get this part, you’ll understand why you or your partner (neither one of you) should at all cost not become each and other’s projects.
- Please take a moment to breathe in deep and out at least three times
- Read point A and B slowly
- Repeat reading point A again and then do the same for point B
- “An interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability, being able to turn to their partner in meaningful ways to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that allows them and their partner to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system.”
- “Balance of self and others within the relationship, recognizing that both partners are working to be present and meet each other’s physical and emotional needs in appropriate and meaningful ways. Partners are not demanding of one another and they do not look to their partner for feelings of worthiness. This gives each partner space to maintain a sense of self, room to move toward each other in times of need and the freedom to make these decisions without fear of what will happen in the relationship.”
Your happiness, self-worth, self-love, confidence, gratitude, being fulfilled and all the things you’re working on within you is yours to proudly own because you did the work, it didn’t come easy, removing shame, blame, junk and inner baggage which helps and helped bring you to an amazing place in your life was all hard work is the reason why like attracts like. When entering into a partnership where two people work on self-improvement the chances are that when dealing with difficult topics and situations there is a higher intelligence acting from within each of you. This is why these couples when they both continue growing together but are separate in having their own space and independence too are alright throwing out ego, pride, arrogance, and even open to seeing and admitting their own responsibility (be it a right one or wrong one) to save something greater (the strong foundation which love is built on) which they’ve built together. Know when you don’t have unhealthy competition, energy-draining, frustrations and anger, you have picked a partner, not a project. Know when you feel alive and free within your relationship, then you have picked a partner not a project, but isn’t it great when your partner feels the same? – T. Dench Patel, 16 July 2020, 21:13
If you’ve been believing that your happiness comes from mainly requiring love, not feeling love but depending highly on that from your partner the chances are you have attracted the partner who feels they require the same from you. Now don’t get me wrong, love is important in a relationship, it’s the foundation. Pouring forced love is not how love works, that’s draining, love comes from within the self and pulls two people together. When these two people are together on the same wavelength that’s when you can say it’s a love shot! The vibration and frequency are the same. They do more things to keep building the connection to keep charging the frequency. – T. Dench Patel, 16 July 2018, 21:18
A perfect example here is the sound of mating calls if you’re trying to understand frequency and vibration.
From this article, these are the points that stood out.
“When you find a partner, it will feel peaceful. The urgency of “figuring it out” or “locking it down” will be replaced with a time of discovery. However, in the mad dash for resources and to come out ahead, we often approach relationships like a race. The less needy we pretend to be is supposed to promote efficiency. But it does the opposite. It actually complicates things. When urgency is applied to partnership it becomes a project.”
“Studies have shown that only 15 percent of the population is truly invested in personal growth. So, that means, for the other 85 percent relationships are where they go to die and fight about it on the way to their grave.”
“Anyone who is sucking your energy is a waste of time.”
I once watched this video some time ago which I really recommend. It’s around red flags.
What resonated with me was when she said,
“If you want to see how it ends look at the beginning.”
“A man’s relationship with his mother (mummy issues) and a woman’s relationship with her father (daddy issues) and the spirit they hold inside them around that.”
Furthermore, I’d like to leave you with more articles that have more insights
Partner or project do you manage your relationships
Do you want a partner or a project?
You want a partner, not a project
Yours sincerely,
T. Dench Patel
Thank you for the comments and support. Thank you for offering to donate if there was a donate button on here. I prefer not to take donations. You can support by either purchasing one of my books (Paperback or Kindle), The South African: True Colours, The South African: Roamer or my children’s book Light. These books can be found on Amazon mainly and other sites in your country.
The audiobook for The South African: True Colours is available on iTunes, Apple and Audible. The South African: Roamer and Light will be released soon.
Note: Do keep referring back to this site as much as possible, as I grow, a more profound perspective may form and so I will always come back to each of these articles to re-evaluate them.
