Something which no one writes about in Domestic Violence because it’s hardly ever touched on

Hello friends,

Did you know that domestic violence is increasing as we speak around the world?

Did you know that in Australia one woman is killed every week by a current or former partner?

Did you know that in Australia one in three women and one in five men have experienced at least one incident of violence from a current or former partner since the age of fifteen?

Did you know that violence against women costs the Australian economy $21.7 billion a year?

 

The above and more from this article https://www.9news.com.au/domestic-violence

 

Coronavirus pandemic has saved some marriages. Take a look at this article Meet the couples for whom lockdown has been an unexpected blessing

 

At the same time, this pandemic is testing a lot of marriages, relationships and partnerships.

 

Today, I want to tell you about something that I don’t believe anyone has written about, because:

 

• It’s so crazy in itself to try to write this part of Domestic Violence.
• It’s difficult to put this part of the experience or even figure this aspect out because not everyone is pointing this out to men and women (I can’t say that I know of men who went through this but as you will see below it’s very common with women).
• I don’t think it’s explained well enough to people, made as an important part to bring awareness or even shown as one of the most important signs that you have crossed a new boundary.
• A sign that can be very clear to your nearest, dearest and people who want to help you.

 

What if I told you that when I was roughly ten years old I have seen this phase at home but because I was very young I didn’t know what it meant, I wasn’t mature enough to understand it, and if anything to me it sounded ridiculous, paranoid, unreasonable and even crazy (yes, this was going to be the title of this article) even though I wouldn’t have known how to spell these words properly then or even before coming across them. In my mind’s eye, I felt the energy (paranoid, unreasonable, ridiculous or even crazy) around it at that moment. I believe even back then, in the year nineteen eighty-nine hardly anything was done then for women who were in domestic violence. You can find out more when you purchase my book which can be accessed on this link here The South African: True Colours.

 

Let’s just say that Your partner not a project (remember this article I wrote a couple of days ago?) There’s a part here that I want to bring out. In the article I wrote, “(I think a woman saved me in terms of taking the first step. Can you imagine? What if I told you that someone could be saved with a pamphlet being handed to them by a random person on the street?)”

 

If I rewind from that moment before the leaflet landed in my hand. My ex-partner did something, I can’t remember what it was now. I was accustomed to cleaning up the mess whenever he became a liability. I got angry. We were walking from the main shopping area together and heading towards an overpass. There were a lot of people in the street. I don’t know what the quarrel was this time, only this time I wanted some space, I just couldn’t pretend anymore that everything was great in public. I was tired of the excuses and the constant rattling he made after he did something stupid (which to him was me being unreasonable always – this is how he escaped arguments). I walked fast trying to just get away somewhere, in a quiet space, just wanted to breathe, gather my thoughts, not let the anger get to me or even show it in public. He kept chasing and running behind me to catch up with me. I felt like the prey and him the buzzard. Like I just wanted to get away to get my peace of mind rather than get chased (by a very insecure buzzard) and have verbal diarrhoea shoved into my brain. I knew it was impossible like many times to just run off, so I just walked faster to get home and leave it for closed doors. I couldn’t take it anymore and I shouted in the street in Spanish to him “Déjame solo por un rato!” (Leave me alone just for a little while!) and then I repeated the sentence with angry eyes, guess what? He didn’t, he kept walking with me as if nothing happened. I didn’t care anymore whether I was the one being judged here or not. I knew my truth well enough. I knew we needed relationship counselling, but I didn’t have money for this (a very tiny voice kept saying this after arguments). A woman walks towards me, about to pass me, looks at me from the side of her eyes, and hands a leaflet to me. The leaflet stated in big and bold, somewhere along these lines (that was my sign that something had to be done) “Relationship counselling for free at the community centre.” I tried convincing him, he didn’t want to go.

 

I was living with The “They think I am ridiculous/paranoid/unreasonable/crazy”  for a long time right up to the court case which I talk about in this article The underpaying outsourced employer, the Gujarati South African victim, the Gujarati United Kingdom home office lawyer, The Chinese trainee barrister, the retiring British judge, and the outdated legislation act/

 

The thing is that you are not unreasonable/paranoid/crazy/ridiculous when:

 

• Your partner is disrespectful and blames you for not running the relationship better because he is insecure or that it’s up to you to do everything around that issue.
• Or that you ask your partner to be a bit firm with his friends who keep turning up late for everything all the time whether you have planned something or not and it’s alright to be late and assume that your lives are boring always and that you never have plans.
• Or that it’s your first day at work for Chelsea Football Club and your partner calls the management office during half-time pretending that there was an emergency and drives them so crazy that they have to get you out of your post and help you look for the locker out of hundreds of staff lockers on the very first day of the season, to just get the phone out and return the call.
• You are not unreasonable/paranoid/crazy and ridiculous when he arrives late for everything all the time especially your initial dates (red flag there)

 

Domestic violence that has taken on a physical manifestation or one that is of verbal and emotional in nature has a way of making you feel that you are the one at fault by default and when this happens consistently you have changed all your healthy patterns/natural thinking process to ones that are now sabotaging your happiness and sabotaging everything you think through or do that could affect your partner.

 

This is what people are NOT writing or talking about

 

The reason why you begin to sound so unreasonable/paranoid/crazy/ridiculous is that you have now made your internal world your external world and your external world your internal world.

 

Sounds familiar?

 

I honestly believe women should be nicer to women (because of what I’ve seen at ten years of age), that perhaps another woman instead of competing and thinking better of herself, she can see this pattern and perhaps try and help instead of bringing another woman who has already been brought down to her knees even further. The unreasonable/paranoid/crazy/ridiculous is happening because you’ve have been made to feel that what you are arguing or making a stand for is somewhat childish, petty, or not your entitlement. Understand that when people want to forcefully control you and cross the boundaries, they will turn you against yourself (all the values you abide by too) so that they can be superior and control your behaviour.

 

The puppeteer and the puppet (Something not written or talked about enough)

 

Another thing to understand is when you come out of a relationship with domestic violence these patterns are now playing without the corrupted force of the puppeteer, the woman/man has become the “puppet”. This is why when women/men who leave a relationship with domestic violence become a liability for themselves because they have been playing a game lower than themselves dictated by the puppeteer and are not in touch entirely with the external world. Without the puppeteer playing the “puppet,” the “puppet” must now find themself and regain what they’ve lost in the relationship to start living the well-deserving life they were meant to live.

 

They have to begin somewhere, and the current threat lies in not know how to gain control of the internal and external worlds making them still very vulnerable to the external world.

 

This is why I advise against entering a relationship straight away. A lot of inner work is required to bring back the balance of your inner world to the outer world. When this isn’t taken care of and the good forces within you do not overpower the weaker ones you can become a liability for yourself. A lot of healing is required before you can regain your true self-worth, belief, trust and a lot more within yourself so that you can become confident at life again.

 

Yours sincerely,

T. Dench Patel

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