Communication or control?

Okay, so do you remember the number of times he/she gets upset, angry or even annoyed when you ask him/her where she/he is going? This question asked so often is really about the angle the person who is asking you this question is coming from.

If you’re in a toxic relationship then it’s highly possible that this question is about control but if you’re in a relationship that is built from healthy love, wellbeing, concern and communication then it’s possible that you are misinterpreting this question ever so often that the arguments you’re having with your partner, husband or wife are unnecessary. 

Relationships can be complicated and each individual has lived their experiences. In today’s world, people have had such “rich” experiences at such an early age that with each unique individual the relationship and being understood can become so complexed. Sometimes you have to go into the unknown to seek the answers you seek to repair or get the relationship back on track. There is no one size fits all solutions and I’m pretty sure that you are already aware of that.

In a family and in a partnership/marriage where there are just two people there’s constant evolution, growth, change, feelings, falling out of love, disagreements, arguments, emotions etc. Starting the relationship on a high standard sets the tone for respect. Now if you’ve set the tone on a high standard being husband and wife or unmarried partners that when children come into the picture it’s even better. This will set their standards i.e. healthy footing. They will immediately be able to see what is toxic, unhealthy or where it will end up purely because they’d be in tune with what it’s like to see their parents feel good and the way their parents communicate to each other on the daily basis. At least when it comes to the basics they won’t accept anything less than respect. Saying this, parents who already have been working and mastering communication will be able to educate and guide their kids more that by the time their kids are teenagers they will have enough education on making the right choices.

Now if you know your husband or partner well enough and the communication with you both are always about healthy foundations, listening, changing and putting your relationship first then by now you would dismiss this article. If you haven’t dismissed this article yet, then you are here for a reason. Communication is the reason why your partner, husband or wife is asking you this question. If you’re working as a team (one) and have a different system without organisation purely because you both feel that you’re free individuals even in your relationship but hold onto this question as if it compromises your freedom then think again. Change the way you’re seeing the angle from which your partner is coming from.

In my upcoming book The South African: Roamer I touch on communication and through the story I show you how communication evolved from full family dynamics to having the opportunity to focus on the small habits to bring about a healthy pattern. Breaking down a pattern and working on communication are two different things. You will be able to see this clearly from The South African: True colours (published in October 2018) as I go into The South African: Roamer.

Which from the two examples below already brings out anger, being defensive, suspicion or judgement?

“We need milk, can you get it? I forgot to buy it today.” or “I am coming late from a meeting can you please get the milk today?”

“Where are you going?” “Are you going to see Victoria today?” “Are you going to see that match today?”

Ask yourself why? Are the tasks handled fairly? Are you buying the milk almost all the time and that’s annoying you? Are you counting the scores? i.e. he had time to see a match with his friend all those times and couldn’t even get the milk?

Get the excuses out of the way and work on daily tasks fairly so that when your partner is going somewhere it’s purely their time that they’re entitled to. You both are separate individuals who need variety, your own answers, growth in your own way, freedom without feeling guilty, without the need to walk on eggshells, without resentment, etc. Healthy communication and habits give you this. It will no longer be a question of control and it will become a matter of communication.

T. Dench Patel

Thank you for the comments and support. Thank you for offering to donate if there was a donate button on here. I prefer not to take donations. You can support by either purchasing one of my books (Paperback or Kindle), The South African: True Colours, The South African: Roamer or my children’s book Light. These books can be found on Amazon mainly and other sites in your country.

The audiobook for The South African: True Colours is available on iTunes, Apple and Audible. The South African: Roamer and Light will be released soon.

Note: Do keep referring back to this site as much as possible, as I grow, a more profound perspective may form and so I will always come back to each of these articles to reevaluate them.