I was born in South Africa. I had strong influencers. They were Gujarati. By the time I was three I understood Hindi and English.
I was growing up in a Gujarati home but only came to understand Gujarati when I had to go to Gujarati school.
In my book The South African: True Colours, in the chapter ‘Abhay mera mota bhai’ I write about how the main character holds herself back from hugging her older brother when he returned home. She sensed something had happened to her older brother when he was playing football.
She was left worried thinking that her brother is in a bad condition. She wondered, “how bad is it?” When her brother returned, she was so happy to see that he still had his legs and hands intact. She ran with speed to him as he approached the gate.
She wanted to hug him but held herself back. Sensed she could not hug him. It was at that point the main character (Saesha) realised that they do not hug or show emotions of love in her home. She saw a bandage on his knee and wondered will her brother ever recover 100%.
She felt as a girl, she could not ask certain questions and was relieved that he was going to recover when someone said it wasn’t serious.
Throughout the book, you will be able to see incidences where there is a forced removal of control/power or where there is no choice but to give the control/power away and cases where control/power is distributed according to gender. Over the pandemic every country has had high number of incidences in domestic violence and co-dependency and to have a look at Let Go: Give up the control, surrender and you will start living from the last point it was written might bring forth more to think about.
Look at England and Wales alone, more than 845 000 police reported domestic abuse crimes in 2021.
https://www.cabotfinancial.co.uk/money-management/money-management/domestic-abuse-and-debt
Okay, so some things to reflect on here before we continue:
- Do you ever admit you made an error and ask for forgiveness from family or friends and how quick are you to admit your faults?
Let Go: Give up the control, surrender and you will start living!
Can you count the times you have said that you are sorry?
- Do you stubbornly hold onto pride, ego or chauvinism?
- Are you too protective of someone? Or are you acting protective of someone? So protective that you feel that you need to manage their finances and help them decide on everything?
- Do you need to control and calculate everything i.e. your image and name, paranoid about what people or someone dear to you will say about you, your finances, your job, your material possessions, what your brother says and does, what your sister says and does, what your parents say and do, what part of you you’re showing others, what you will do and when you will do it?
- Can you control every move someone is going to make because you are scared, they will make a big mistake with their life or bring the family shame?
- Do you need to control your family and what each one should believe in as opposed to them choosing their own belief?
- How comfortable are you with giving up all the rights the patriarchal society has and just cutting it irrelevant of gender so that there is more equality?
- Are you setting people up by gaining power over situations over time so that when there is an argument you have the highest score, the last say and they still depend on you to keep things running because they didn’t get the chance to build themselves up over time?
So much so that every argument that you have hardly becomes about what is right.
- Do you want to keep all the power/control, or do you want to empower?
- Are you stingy?
- Do still hold onto your pride, ego or chauvinism when you are on a downward spiral?
- Are you living in a country where you need to continuously ensure that you, the people you love, and your belongings are safe?
- Are your fears controlling you?
- Are you disrespecting someone and instilling fear in them so that you can keep the control? Irrelevant if they are older or younger than you?
- Are you lying and making excuses just to keep control of things?
- Do you have trust issues?
- Are you controlling the truth to protect others?
If there are any yes’ to these questions then let go of the shame, guilt, regret, dominance, and everything else you may be feeling.
Let Go: Give up the control, surrender and you will start living!
- Okay so there was a time when I was told “that place isn’t safe don’t go there!” or “that person will not like it don’t go and ask him that question,” instead of just being told “I don’t want you to use my car,” or “I don’t like the guy you are dating,” or “that place isn’t for girls”. Cumon let’s be real. You know what I mean by the above statements. Whether you are protecting someone or not first be honest with yourself and then sit down and communicate with the person to tell them why you are saying this. This way you give up the control and let the person whose life it is decide without being forced into making one. This will eliminate any blame and arguments further down the line or you regretting something that went wrong because of what you said or what you didn’t say.
- It is healthy to be genuinely sorry if you do recognise that you’re at fault, but do not keep making the same mistake over and over again thinking that the person is a doormat or a confession box because they forgive so easily. Life is short and one day the boundary you get will be an infinite one i.e., a relationship that will never be saved after so much damage.
- Holding onto pride, ego and chauvinism are the things that own you and not you it. It certainly doesn’t own the next person. The funny thing with the truth is that one day it does get revealed. Personally, when one dies, I don’t think that you’ll check into the 5* PEC hotel and get 5* room service. Why wait till you are 70 to come to terms with your mistakes in life while that wonderful person who treated you great without judgement might be dead by then? Give up pride, ego, and chauvinism altogether. It’s one less chip on your shoulder and one less headache to think about. Without it, you will live a peaceful and healthier life.
- When you are controlling because you want to protect someone, you’re doing them harm. Yes, protect them but how long will you keep protecting them from the world. Take a beautiful bird born free and then keep it in a cage to protect it. The bird didn’t ask to be caged you have made that choice with your reasons. The bird was born free and will keep learning from its mistakes to survive. Imagine it survives so well and thrives in beautiful places, it knows where to go to find peace, abundance, and friends. Making a bird dependent on you so that it can fly only a short distance and then returns for food is cutting the bird short of its full freedom because it’s convenient for you. Set yourself free from the need you get in keeping the bird and you will let yourself and the bird free. Of course, if the bird has become dependent on you, you will need to do some work with it before you set it free. If the bird comes back, do not go and put it back in the cage.
- Respect is a two-way street whether you are a man or a woman, older or younger. Everyone has a right to express themselves without being threatened and afraid. You cannot shut someone down and make them into a puppet because you can’t stand the truth.
- Okay, so growing up in a third world country and then my experiences in living in other countries have made me more authentic. Only the real people in your life will help you when you are struggling. The rest are just “talkers”. You don’t need to show people that you got your stuff under control or look brave when you’re not. It is okay. Let go of the “talkers”. Once you let all this go and focus on you and all the authentic reasons around your “why” there is no people-pleasing anymore and it’s just about what matters now. I will write an article about “your purpose” one of these days.
- Why impose a belief, strict regime, and fear of shame on your family? Relax, each person is unique and so are their experiences.
You can’t predict any outcome. Why keep making them carry weight on an outcome which hasn’t even happened? Teach them how to make intelligent decisions instead. One less thing for you to control and one more thing for them to be responsible about. Learn to trust their decisions.
Let Go: Give up the control, surrender and you will start living!
- When you control too much you miss the art of giving and receiving. People who want to give because it makes them happy to do so feel sad that they can’t do anything for the people they love or want to help. If you’ve always been a giver understand that to give you need to receive.
Just imagine how you would feel if someone you want to give something to at a time when they need it say no to you. How would you feel?
Control what you can if you can and what you can’t control leave it to the universe. Do not obsessively keep controlling something when it is trying to spin out of control. You are stopping the good that is trying to enter your life. Perhaps something needs to fall apart for better things to be put into place.
Stop fighting the waves and go with it let go give up the control, surrender and you will start living.
- Okay, so ever had the problem that someone else in the family is the favourite or better deserving of things than you? How much do they get away with?
Are all your efforts ignored? Stop trying to think you will make others proud of you by trying harder. Unfortunately, in the patriarchal society, this is a losing battle unless something knocks them on the head. I know it is hard, but focus on who you are, and what you love to do, and don’t look for approval. In the long run, a job you are doing out of passion will keep you employed and free forever. Remember he who is given that and has taken so happily has a lot of responsibility.
Be thankful that ain’t you. You get to walk away scot-free, and you get to walk away being proud of your achievements especially if you did most of the work yourself.
- Understand that empowering someone is something to be proud of. Imagine how great that person will feel when they can be self-sufficient?
If you’ve never had anyone you can rely on, then you may well get help in the future. Isn’t that great! You don’t have to do it all alone.
Empowering someone will empower you in the process.
- Okay, are you holding onto money? Will it ever be enough? How many of us have seen this? Saving, and saving, and saving and saving.
Yes, there will be a rainy day and yes, we need to keep some money aside but are we living our lives now? Why don’t you enjoy your health along with the hard-earned money you have? Have some fun, no one knows what can happen in the future. Wait any longer and you might be too old to even enjoy anything.
- If you are on a downward spiral be authentic. Don’t hold onto your pride, ego, and chauvinism. Make sure you are around the right people.
You will find that a breakdown is a breakthrough to the path you were meant to go on. Stop fighting it. Listen and look out for signs and if you don’t, the universe will keep making it louder for you until you listen so that you can take the right direction to the path you’re meant to be on.
- Some might say, “What do I know about living in a dangerous country?” I remember the number of times people told me not to do things just for my safety.
I looked around me and I had to decide. Was I going to let other people’s fear stop me from living? Is living in fear even living?
I built a strong intuition, and I was street smart. I wasn’t going to let that take away the life that I wanted to live.
- How much of what you fear comes true? How long will you let your fear ruin the good that is trying to enter your life?
Your fear could be holding yourself and everyone else prisoner.
- Lying and making excuses start to become boring and one day you might just end up believing it yourself. The truth has a way of coming out.
- If you need to control everything because you are afraid to trust others to help you then you need to take a look at yourself and the people around you.
Things might not be the way they seem. The control you have because of the trust issues will pressure you.
- Controlling the truth to protect others is very common in families. Often people don’t want to tell you the truth so that they can protect you from getting hurt or don’t want to burden you with more than what you already have. It is healthier to discuss things and not argue. It is a great way to see where the root of the problem comes from and why certain people feel a certain way. You become closer and resolve the problem collectively to move forward.
A lot can be released, and a lot can be cleared with healthy discussions. Controlling a problem, yourself isn’t always the best way. It’s good to speak about it so that you can find the healthiest way to deal with it by having different angles from others. However, it is understandable that most families prefer not to say anything because of different personalities, cultures, egos, and other reasons.
There is an expiration date to the answers you have for the questions above and if you do not tackle them then things can explode and go horribly wrong. Why wait for it to go wrong, start making changes now and you will find that giving away control is letting go.
Your shoulders will be lighter. Trust the universe. You don’t need to carry the weight. Life is a journey just let things unfold naturally and don’t stand in your way, in the way of others and that is when you will see the gifts and miracles life has to offer. Most people only change when a major event takes place in their life i.e., when someone dies, commits suicide, someone gets sick or for many other millions of reasons. Listen and see the signs early enough and don’t wait for that major wake up call to interrupt your life.
Ask yourself why you want to control? Let Go: Give up the control, surrender and you will start living!
Start letting go of the small things first as well as expectations and be prepared to change.
Updates from the 24 May 2022 after re-evaluating this article.
After reading this article on my website I realised the following:
- This article was posted on 30 October 2018, I saw the entire article was not left the way I posted it. It looked very messy. Not my style at all.
- I just realised the above at this point, when it came to updating it.
- Wow, after reading the above article I have to say this.
I hope you do not come to face 90% or even 30% of the point in this article in your life. Today after re-evaluating it I would say, you could be dealing with a lot more than the two main articles that I will leave a link for below. The above article may be signs to a lot more challenges than you think.
You know I read this quote by Paulo Coelho, A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
https://tdenchpatel.com/narcissists/
https://tdenchpatel.com/is-your-family-codependent-what-is-your-role-who-does-it-affect/
www.tdenpatel.com/blog/ – You want to perhaps take a look at all the subsequent articles after this article on the site.
This article was published on the 30 October 2018
Updated on the 24 May 2022
T. Dench Patel
