How are you?
Hope you are well, and most of all. If this article hits you like an arrow straight to the core, then I really hope that you are safe wherever you are at this space in time literally and in your life.
It’s Friday. I still have a lot of work to do but excited that it’s time not to follow the routine. 😊
Okay, you know, this thought came to my mind yesterday. I then thought hey, wait, did I know this information when I left a very toxic relationship, would I even know what the hell I had to really deal with because on the surface I just thought, hey no big deal, I will bounce right back up, like how I was before entering this relationship. BEEEEP! “Uhm, no, it wasn’t anything like I thought bouncing back up would be like.” Now when you leave a toxic relationship in a hurry, know that you have several things to deal with. Your abuser knows what he/she is/was doing if he or she got so far and it’s because it was premeditated and planned using all your flaws or the flaws (even circumstances) that comes with what is premeditated. When I go back to my experience, I feel like I was used for some kind of testing almost like a lab rat ONLY he didn’t think I was going to escape.
You’ve left the guy/girl for the very first time, and you’re serious about it or this time when you’ve left him/her you’ve been a bit more successful than the last time and are very serious about it. You don’t know how long you can hold up, especially when you have little ones.
For the first-timer who has left a relationship with domestic violence, they think, “Okay, I’ve left him now that should be over right? I’ve left a normal person.” Then your friends are bombarded with the wrong messages, your phone is filled with love and hate messages even on the apps, your phone is full of miss calls, signups on websites all in your name that you haven’t even made, your email is bombarded with love and hate messages, your family are bombarded, and now he/she hits your workplace and all your previous colleagues in the old job. Now, you are getting mail through the post…
The worst part is what if the post is now from government officials and since I was a foreigner you should know; my whole world was gone upside down in just one month. I felt like I was having triple doses of panic attacks at once injected with three times the dose of anxiety. Worst of all, I had no idea what was happening to my body and me. “What is all this, this is new, and why is this area of my hand gone sweaty?” All this was a first-hand and first-time experience for someone who thought, no big deal, I will bounce back up in one month’s maximum two months.
You know what? Not even close.
Believe me; there is a plan B if the above plan does not work to get you even to show that you have a pulse. I know first-hand what that was. The second round with an even bigger lie and message was in the pipeline.
Listen, I haven’t even told you to what extent plan A went and for how long. This is just 50%.
Now, do you feel that anxiety and now do you feel those panic attacks?
So, my number one tip for women who just came out of a relationship with domestic violence is this.
Tip 1 – A safety tip – Get untraceable
- (Immediately) First things first, change your passwords from all areas that you use frequently, and that is your bank card first before all things. You need money to make the brave escape and as much as you can get your hands on if you have little ones.
- Change all other passwords of the sites you often use immediately and by this time the password for your computer should already have been changed.
- Only give your whereabouts to those who you know you can trust 100% that won’t fall for his/her stories. Trust one, and you better get this one right. (Someone who won’t fall for his/her mind games to get to you)
- Change your phone number, privacy settings everywhere (location, area, place of work, address, email address) everywhere you know he could access to look for you.
- Remove yourself off social media. Unfortunately, you don’t know the rotten apples from the good apples the minute he/she is going to go round telling a version of the story which isn’t true, I’m sorry, but you have to cut all friends that you have joint and any friends you’ve met separately which he knows of. No one knows what happens in a couple’s life behind closed doors, and some friends within the group will influence other’s in the group. This isn’t your battle right now, and this should not even be where you’re focusing your energy. Real friends, if it’s true, will make their way back to each other naturally. True friends will get it and get you even through the most hectic and sabotaging storms. They were not your true friends if they’ve believed what they know not to be true about you. – T. Dench Patel, 13 September 2019, 16:23
- Be ruthless (even when your guard is down) for your own safety do not compromise your privacy settings online and verbally because you’ve managed to disappear from the problem two months straight it’s still not over. I’ve been stalked five years, and I know a lot of women that were physically in danger two years later because they took this protocol lightly. You have no idea who you’re dealing with honey. Narcissism is a disease.
- Taking care of yourself means taking care of your child (the more you love yourself, the more balanced and happier child you will have. Your energy will catch onto your child)
- Take things slow; do not rush to get ahead. Take your time and begin the journey of self-love and self-healing.
- Nourish yourself and get mentally and physically strong.
BONUS TIP, probably the second most important – DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU TREAT YOURSELF WITH RESPECT, LOVE, KINDNESS AND COMPASSION.
My name is T. Patel, and my purpose is to help others find the freedom and dignity to proudly stand and write their own independent story so that they feel powerful and safe with the confidence to dance in their potential.
I hope I have served you justly today and most of all I hope I have freed you today.
T. Dench Patel