After leaving my ex-partner in the year 2013 I’ve faced challenges which quite frankly I had no idea existed. When you read my book The South African: True Colours the challenges there compared to the challenges with this particular experience is something I still wonder about. If there was ever a time where I thought about suicide every second day for years, then it was this time. This time the dose was four-fold. We’re talking about a person who was in love with life deeply. So, what went wrong inside me?
It started off with nervousness and entering the workplace with extremely low confidence. The area near my right thumb was sweaty without even doing anything. I was at a very vulnerable point and most definitely with the wrong team. As soon as the bullying started, I started to get palpitations and boy oh boy was I confused or what. What the hell was happening to me? Why can I not breathe at times and why have I been left frozen from it that no word leaves my mouth even for my own defence? While the bullying escalated, I got anxiety but even then, I didn’t even know what was happening and that this thing happening to me had a name attached to it. Then the bullying got worse and I started to get panic attacks.
I couldn’t spend money my pay was low and I didn’t even know what was happening. I turned to the internet. I typed in what my symptoms were and then all the names to what was going on came up i.e. anxiety, palpitations and panic attacks. I decided to give meditation a go because everything around me was shaking figuratively; the ground beneath me and around me. My ex’s tantrums where making earthquakes all the way from Spain. My phone didn’t stop ringing, the messages won’t stop, the emails wouldn’t stop, the contact he made as I worked at work on Skype carried on that I had to reach the changing numbers, emails, and blocking stage. I had no peace inside me that the tantrums were rocking my inner self.
I started with a guided meditation and read a lot about chakras. I went to YouTube and started there, using all the free stuff. I started to feel better and from there other things came up as I let the video run. I tried so many types of meditations from chakra meditation, letting go or surrender, releasing anger, mindfulness, self-love, remove negativity, forgiveness and I’m sure there’s much more.
This is what mediation did for me
At first, I felt like I had thorns in my heart and in my meditations, I was pulling each one out. It never seemed to be enough. Days went on like this until the healing started after that first phase. Then I almost visually could see the scars that these thorns left, and they were very deep. As I continued meditating, I could feel these scars being washed daily with light and there came a point where I couldn’t even feel or visualise these scars in me anymore. The light took it all away. My heart felt like one big light bulb.
The chakra meditation made more sense to me. The colours and their meaning and as I read about it I could see where my balance was lost. I can see how each one plays a role in a human being i.e. Red for grounding, orange for fertility, passion and creativity, yellow for confidence, green and pink for the heart, blue for the voice, purple-blue for intuition and then purple for pure enlightenment. So here I am six years later, and I still do it daily, but you know what’s the biggest thing meditation has done for me that I had for years before and even after meeting my ex-partner? It had closed up the hole of loneliness, sadness, depression, mistrust in myself and much more. It had brought me fulfilment and to bigger and better things. It’s aligned me to peace, harmony, truth and attracted that which was me and people like me to me.
Meditation has brought me self-awareness, increased intuition, wisdom, patience, strength, peace, harmony, happiness and seriously I can go on. Check it out for yourself. I will put the links to what I used and some information about it here below.
This one was one of the very first ones which I’ve used.
This one is a mindfulness meditation.
What are chakras? http://www.chakras.info/what-is-chakra/
T. Dench Patel